… And another month has passed …

… With basically zero blogging.

Okay, friends. I’m going to fill you in on the life stuff, the stuff that I alluded to that was really tough and I wasn’t ready to talk about. At this point, I’ve talked it to death with in-person friends and family members and even coworkers, so I’m coming to the part where I’m wanting to be open and be heard and have people, strangers even, comment on my situation. Because when you put stuff out there you have to know that people are going to comment on it.

The thing I was talking about last month is the dissolution of my nine-year marriage. The idea of separating from a person to whom I felt tethered to for so many years is insurmountable, feels impossible, yet it feels so right I can’t even explain it. The fact that I can have all of these emotions at once, that I can feel the need to stay with this person and figure out a way to make our life work together, yet also know for one hundred percent sure that there is no way we can do that, is confusing and scary and sad and frustrating.

But I’m doing it. Despite the intense, almost soul-crushing fear of what my new life might be like and how lonely I might be. Despite the overwhelming project of selling a home that we had built less than a year ago. Despite the fact that many people in my life don’t understand what could possibly have gone wrong and want to know why, and ask questions that I don’t really have good answers to. Because one thing I know for sure is that no one else has any idea of what actually is happening in someone else’s marriage.

About two months after making the final decision to initiate divorce proceedings, I was hit with something else – the congenital heart defect that I’ve had my entire life, that I’ve had corrected twice in the past, needs to be worked on again (basically it’s a valve replacement), and SOON. As in, I will very likely be having open heart surgery at some point before the end of 2016. As if I needed one more thing to worry about, to deal with, one more thing to keep me up at night with intense fear and anxiety.

But this isn’t something I can put off, nor is it something I can control. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying to let life happen and just go one step at a time and deal with what I have to deal with – to plan, to work towards my future, which apparently now includes a major surgery on top of what one could call an emotional surgery of a divorce.

So that’s what I’m dealing with. Those two major things are why blogging is not happening right now, nor is a whole lot of reading. I’m finding comfort in rereads right now, along with a LOT of time spent with friends, a few recent trips (one of which included a ton of family time, which I desperately needed), working hard at my job is actually helping a lot (a total distraction from life, which is perfectly fine with me), and I’m trying to take care of myself as best as I can.

Friends, thank you so much for listening to me whine about my problems. I know that I am lucky in so many aspects of my life and I continue to remind myself of that daily. I know that the hard things I am going through right now will pass, I will come out on the other side stronger than ever, with my entire life ahead of me. It’s hard now, but I know it will get easier. But that knowledge and certainty doesn’t make what’s tough right now any easier. I will get through it, though. I WILL.

I’ll take any love and positive thoughts anyone wants to send my way.

Thanks for listening.

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24 thoughts on “… And another month has passed …

  1. Sounds like you have a lot of heart mending ahead of you. Sorry that you will be undergoing surgery soon and that marriage is coming to an end. I will be praying for you! Xo Alane

  2. I was sorry to hear about your divorce in Savannah but you didn’t even mention your heart. Oh my, that is a lot at one time. I’m sure you have the strength to get through it but I’ll say a prayer anyway.

  3. Hey girl, I know we haven’t chatted in a long time, but I’m sorry you’re going through this season of life right now. I know you are a bright, level-headed person and you are doing what is best for you and your future, even if it’s not the outcome that you thought you’d have years ago. If you ever need an ear, I am here… but for now I will leave you with lyrics to encourage you! “We’re singing a new song now
    and everything starts today.”

  4. Oh honey, what a shit deal for all this to be slamming into you at once. I will say so many prayers for you. It sounds like you’re making the best decisions for yourself, and even though they’re hard, I believe in you so much, and I know you’ll get through this and be stronger on the other side. I’m just sorry that you have to walk through so many hard times to get there. All the prayers and hugs and love in the world.

    1. Jenny you are the sweetest. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement. I know I’ll get through it … but it is definitely hard. And hard times ahead for sure.

  5. I’m so sorry that you’ve got all of this going on at once. I don’t think you’ve “heard” from me before, but I’m a fan of your blog and I’m sending up lots of good thoughts that you’ll come through all of this stronger on the other side. In the meantime, as much as I enjoy your posts, please take it easy on yourself and let your family and friends help you.

  6. Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry to hear about all of this coming at you at once. The end of a marriage is never an easy thing and to have to face heart surgery on top of that must feel just crushing. Sounds like you have a fabulous support system. This I have learned in the past five years – let them help. Ask for help when you need it. They love you and will want to help. And it will be so much easier to do what you need to do. Sending hugs and prayers.

  7. Sending you a big hug!! I can’t imagine the pain and heart ache iof a divorce – but I am right with you for the heart surgery- having had it myself. You will be in my thoughts every day.

  8. Oh, Heather! My heart aches for you to be dealing with all of this at the same time! Know you are in my thoughts daily. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. Continue to surround yourself with loved ones and heal, spiritually and physically.

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