… With basically zero blogging.
Okay, friends. I’m going to fill you in on the life stuff, the stuff that I alluded to that was really tough and I wasn’t ready to talk about. At this point, I’ve talked it to death with in-person friends and family members and even coworkers, so I’m coming to the part where I’m wanting to be open and be heard and have people, strangers even, comment on my situation. Because when you put stuff out there you have to know that people are going to comment on it.
The thing I was talking about last month is the dissolution of my nine-year marriage. The idea of separating from a person to whom I felt tethered to for so many years is insurmountable, feels impossible, yet it feels so right I can’t even explain it. The fact that I can have all of these emotions at once, that I can feel the need to stay with this person and figure out a way to make our life work together, yet also know for one hundred percent sure that there is no way we can do that, is confusing and scary and sad and frustrating.
But I’m doing it. Despite the intense, almost soul-crushing fear of what my new life might be like and how lonely I might be. Despite the overwhelming project of selling a home that we had built less than a year ago. Despite the fact that many people in my life don’t understand what could possibly have gone wrong and want to know why, and ask questions that I don’t really have good answers to. Because one thing I know for sure is that no one else has any idea of what actually is happening in someone else’s marriage.
About two months after making the final decision to initiate divorce proceedings, I was hit with something else – the congenital heart defect that I’ve had my entire life, that I’ve had corrected twice in the past, needs to be worked on again (basically it’s a valve replacement), and SOON. As in, I will very likely be having open heart surgery at some point before the end of 2016. As if I needed one more thing to worry about, to deal with, one more thing to keep me up at night with intense fear and anxiety.
But this isn’t something I can put off, nor is it something I can control. I’m trying, guys. I’m trying to let life happen and just go one step at a time and deal with what I have to deal with – to plan, to work towards my future, which apparently now includes a major surgery on top of what one could call an emotional surgery of a divorce.
So that’s what I’m dealing with. Those two major things are why blogging is not happening right now, nor is a whole lot of reading. I’m finding comfort in rereads right now, along with a LOT of time spent with friends, a few recent trips (one of which included a ton of family time, which I desperately needed), working hard at my job is actually helping a lot (a total distraction from life, which is perfectly fine with me), and I’m trying to take care of myself as best as I can.
Friends, thank you so much for listening to me whine about my problems. I know that I am lucky in so many aspects of my life and I continue to remind myself of that daily. I know that the hard things I am going through right now will pass, I will come out on the other side stronger than ever, with my entire life ahead of me. It’s hard now, but I know it will get easier. But that knowledge and certainty doesn’t make what’s tough right now any easier. I will get through it, though. I WILL.
I’ll take any love and positive thoughts anyone wants to send my way.
Thanks for listening.